#1
Mum: Wrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh! Who put a banana skin down the toilet???????!!!!!!!
R: It was me. Sorry. I was eating a banana on the loo this morning and I dropped the skin in by accident. I didn’t want to take it out, cos I’d done a wee, so I flushed it.
Mum: You cretin! I’ve been plunging this toilet all day, after QueenBee’s mammoth poo this morning.
R: Sorry.
Mum: Not good enough. You’re on cat box duty for a month. Sift it out! Don’t miss the corners. On Tuesday, you can empty and disinfect it. I’ll inspect it every day and if it’s not immaculate, you’re dead!
R: *mutters under breath* If one of the cats poos in it, I’ll kill it.
Mum: *fortissimo* If you touch one of my cats, you’re moving out!
QueenBee: If R leaves, I get his bedroom and all his toys!
#2
Mum: Hello?
R: Hi. Mu-um, something happened at school today…
Mum: What?
R: I forgot to take some school library books back last year and today I got a letter *gulps* and … and … *starts to cry* they’ve given me $125 library fine, which I have to pay. *breaks down in tears*.
[R’s phone runs out of battery.]
Mum’s phone: beep beep beep
School secretary: Hello?
Mum: Hi, it’s Vicky. My son has just rung, beside himself, because he says he has $125 library fine. Who gave him that?
School secretary: I have no idea.
Mum: Well, could you please find out? I need to speak to them. My child is distraught.
School secretary: I’ll ring you back.
[Mum stamps around friend’s kitchen, cursing cretin teachers loudly. When she has wound herself into a state of abject fury, R arrives.]
Mum: Give me that letter! I’m going to eat whoever got you this upset for breakfast.
[R hands over letter.]
Mum: R!!!! This is a receipt for the $125 Dad and I gave towards the school library fund! It says fund, not fine!
R: Ooooooh!
School secretary: Hello?
Mum: Er, hi *brightly*. It’s Vicky again …